Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
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the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
podcasts
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
i wish all
whales
a very
big
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to