Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. π΅βπ«
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Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right βround like a record.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they havenβt even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
Dead sexy!!
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
ME: hell yeah Iβm into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as youβd have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths