What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
You Might Also Like
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
Dyslexics are teople poo!
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.