What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 馃幍JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
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Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
If you watch home alone backwards it鈥檚 about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the 拢100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven鈥檛 seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I鈥檇 send him a picture of me with the money.
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.