What’s this sorcery? 😂
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Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
Duck typos.
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
rise and shine we got egg
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.