What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
You Might Also Like
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.