when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
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When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…