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son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
When ur friends with white people
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies