When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
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The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
Great game to play with friends
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.