When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
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Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
me as a parent
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.