When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
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When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
This trial is so absurd 😭
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents