When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
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*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?