When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
You Might Also Like
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
6. me as a lawyer
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
insane that you have to defend yourself at the end of the ph.d. why are you attacking me i’m so tired
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement