Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
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[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
Note to self: always read the final line
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
black phone good
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion