Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
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Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.