Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
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waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge