Why is this me 😫
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GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
I forgot how to panic. Help
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you