Will you 馃拲馃拲 meow meow 馃拲馃拲 me?
You Might Also Like
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it鈥檚 painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
no one who鈥檚 ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
I backed my car into my husband鈥檚 car once when we were dating and for 25 years he鈥檚 not parked behind me.
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
I鈥檓 in a doctor鈥檚 office waiting room and there鈥檚 a People magazine on the table. I can鈥檛 believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive