X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
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This trial is so absurd 😭
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine