“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
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Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
Generation gap…
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe