“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
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My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
Whenever my “advanced placement” tween gets too brain cocky I like to remind her that I’ve had to pull a jellybean out of her nostril not once, not twice, but 3 times