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[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
Yup
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook