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HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.