🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
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me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
Not all heroes wear capes….
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.