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I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.