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Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
Actually cracking up @ this
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture