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I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
crochet youtube is brutal
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …