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I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They鈥檙e his watch dogs.
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What鈥檚 the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody鈥檚 going to check.
Overheard:
5yo : you think I鈥檓 ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren鈥檛 paid for or some kind of scam
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he鈥檒l miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
Cat is stressing him out.
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle鈥榮 fortune.
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
You鈥檇 think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
Millennials complain a lot about how we can鈥檛 afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn鈥檛鈥ike GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
Duolingo getting serious.
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide