😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
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Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
And that about sums it up.
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.