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My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
My daughter said to a school bully 鈥渕y dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I鈥檝e gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there鈥檚 going to be something good waiting there.
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some cr猫me de tomato a la heinz
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.