🤣could you imagine
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driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.