馃ぃ馃ぃ馃ぃ馃ぃ馃ぃ
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Pass gas, not judgment.
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can鈥檛 hear you because I鈥檓 240,000 miles away and sound doesn鈥檛 travel in space. Die in a fire.
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
[walking into a gym]
me: i鈥檓 looking to do the least that burns the most calories
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let鈥檚 do this
me: i would but i鈥檝e just broken my hand
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
Her: What鈥檚 with the dozen donuts?
Me: They鈥檙e for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn鈥檛 it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn鈥檛 read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”