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DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
These are my emotional support Pringles.
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
I have so many questions.
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer