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I hate when youβre buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like βWhat are you gonna use it for?β Itβs none of your business
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do π
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
the #horror is real!
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok Iβll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I canβt.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
βI want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.β
-women wearing uggs
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
SCARY COSTUME