. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
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Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
Well, this certainly took a turn
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…