*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
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I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!