Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
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I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.