Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
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gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”