We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
You Might Also Like
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.