KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
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1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?