We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
You Might Also Like
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
Name another movie that mislead you?
I was bored.
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.