WTF
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me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
I’m tired tomorrow.
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
This device could predict incoming phone calls.