I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
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if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
just gave your address to some spiders
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.