20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
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her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?