BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
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Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t