You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
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Stick it to the man
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
Hmm, not sure about this change
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.