Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
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I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
congratulations to them
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
When they try to steal your moment.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon