I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
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Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
From my Mom
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
A new level of troll.
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.