For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
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dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night