The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
You Might Also Like
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.