My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
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Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
Google reviews are always so mixed..
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.